I Will Never Be Enough.

  1. I hate vulnerability.

Oh sure, I like the idea of being vulnerable; of being understood on a deep level and being given a window into the darkest corners of someone else’s heart.

But being vulnerable is messy. It’s scary. And it can hurt.

It’s like ripping your heart out, putting it on a stick, and waving it above the castle walls, not knowing what kind of atomic weapons are aiming at it from the other side.

But, when you take that chance, despite the impending danger, the world gets to see your heart–and your heart gets to see the world. Everything is suddenly seen from a new and more beautiful angle. Your heart feels free.

So I’m going to be vulnerable with you today.

Let’s start with the fact that I see a counselor.

I could tell you that it’s for school–I’m working on my Master’s in Counseling, after all–but it’s not (though it definitely serves as an incredible tool toward my schooling).

Actually, I would encourage everyone to see a counselor at some point in their life, and not just when things are going wrong. (And no, I’m not saying this because I don’t want to feel alone in my vulnerability or because I’m going to be a counselor someday).

In the past few weeks, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Things that are simultaneously encouraging and frustrating.

Things I hate about myself and things I love about myself.

Things that will help me in the future, and things that I desperately need to work on.

Things that make me vulnerable.

One of the most conflicting things I’ve learned about myself is my need to be enough that battles against my deeply rooted fear that I will never be enough.

                     .    .                 

This need affects virtually every aspect of my life in one way or another.

I over commit myself because I feel like I’m never doing enough.

I have trouble saying no to people because I want to be good enough in their eyes.

I workout because I want to be healthy/fit/skinny enough.

I read my Bible because I want to be a good enough Christian. (that one is actually really tough for me to admit.)

I smile all the time because I want people to think I’m nice enough.

 

And, sometimes, late at night, I lay in bed and question my worth.

Am I pretty enough? 

Smart enough?

Funny enough?

Nice enough? 

Tough enough?

Compassionate enough?

Generous enough?

Thoughtful enough?

Selfless enough?

The list goes on and on, spewing pages from the printer that is my mind, keeping me tossing and turning for hours.

Because, honestly, if I lay there long enough, I begin to doubt everything that I am, believing that I will never actually measure up to this invisible standard that I have set for myself and that I believe others have set for me.

Then I turn around and chastise myself, because, of course I am enough–I’m a child of God.

But the now-crumpled lists still taunt me from the corner of my mind where I’ve tossed them…begging me to smooth them back out and start back at the beginning–

Am I enough?

And, ironically, lately I’ve been learning the hard truth that I will never be enough at….well, anything.

But wanna know something else?

It’s okay.

I don’t have to keep striving to be more, to be enough. I don’t have to do this because Jesus is enough.

Honestly, I’ve been hard on myself the past few days because I wanted to write this in time for Easter (actually I wanted to write it like 2 months ago, but it’s been sitting in my rough draft folder since February).

I wanted to write about how Jesus paid it all and He is enough.

I wanted to remind you all of that.

Actually, I wanted to remind *me* of that.

Because sometimes I struggle to remember. Sometimes I wonder how the Savior of the world can possibly put up with me. How could I possibly be worthy of His brutal death and awesome resurrection?

The blunt answer is that I’m not. And I never will be. And neither will you.

But before you fall into the pit of despair, I want to remind us that that’s the point.

If we were good enough, we could have saved ourselves. We wouldn’t need Easter, or Jesus, or new mercies every morning. If we were enough, there wouldn’t be a need for salvation. 

And I find that oddly comforting. I don’t have to strive to be enough for anyone because Jesus is enough for me and in place of me.

Will you work to believe that with me? Will you be vulnerable enough to admit that you are not enough but we have a Savior who is more than enough?

Happy belated-Easter, friends.

He is risen.

                   

Married By His Grace

 

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7 thoughts on “I Will Never Be Enough.

  1. It is when I make myself vulnerable to Jesus that He can use me. We are taught to be big and brave. The world teaches us to have all the answers and how to cope. the truth is we cant cope and everybody is to afraid to admit it.
    When I look at myself I see things that I would change, my mates come and I hide what I have seen. I lose what reality actually is. We try to change the outside and hide the inside. Jesus came to change us from the inside out we try and change ourselves from the outside in.
    Bless You

    1. Yes, exactly! I’m not a fan of the phrase, “God will never give me more than I can handle,” because I know from personal experience that He will! Because only then am I forced to rely fully on His grace.

  2. Amen. This perfectionist has found such freedom in the fact that through Christ I have been made perfect forever, even though he’s still making me holy. (Hebrews 10:14 – one of my MOST favorite verses!) Thank you for sharing this and being vulnerable with us. Blessings to you!

  3. Amen sister! I found your blog through the Salt and Light Linkup and I’m so glad I read this. I definitely needed to read this.
    Beautiful words.

  4. You are more than enough! He says this over and over and still we doubt. We all succumb to this way of thinking at times but God is so much more powerful than those awful lies from the enemy. We are chosen. Thank you for sharing at Salt & Light 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read! I’m slowly learning that my worth can only be found in Him 🙂

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