I sat down to write, but the words just won’t come today…
It’s like hair in a drain, there’s a clog in my brain, slowing and stopping the process of thoughts from the command center in my head to the outside world.
I’m going brain dead.
(Okay, that might be a little dramatic, but I found it in my notes on my phone and it seems fitting, even thought I wrote it ages ago…)
Back to the present.
Sometime, when I can’t find the words despite having an itch to write, I look back at posts from my original blog, brookrakow.wordpress.com. I love reminiscing about the things going on in my life at the time, and I’m always encouraged by my own writing and the way that God uses my fingertips to convey a message.
So, the following post is from December 2015–yet, every word rings true 17 months later. And I more than needed this reminder today.
“Sometimes I handle life the way I handle messy covers: throw the comforter over the top and pretend everything is fine underneath.
And messy covers very accurately describe my life right now: twisted sheets of obligations, disheveled pillows of stress, a fitted sheet of finances that just doesn’t fit the way it’s supposed to, stuffed animals hastily pushed to the side like my free time.
Being an adult is hard–like, really hard. Like, who-qualified-me-to-be-an-adult-and-can-I-be-done-and-go-hide-in-my-blanket-fort-yet hard.
(No but seriously. Work today put me in a bad mood, so I came home and made myself a smoothie and a blanket fort and watched FRIENDS because Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe understand real life. Take that, Adulthood.)
I’m realizing how blessed I was to grow up in the family and the community that I did.
Where I came from, everyone knew you and people you didn’t even know were proud of you. The people from my growing up years are generous and kind and look out for each other.
But I’m out in the “real” world now–
a world where people couldn’t care less if I show up late for, need to leave early, or just all around miss family events for work, just so long as I show up for my shift.
A world where no one cares if I’m working two jobs and get way less than adequate sleep.
A world where free time is equivalent to unicorns or leprechauns. (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly…)
I don’t want to grow up…yet simultaneously I wouldn’t mind waking up five or ten years down the road and having my life figured out.
I miss simplicity. I miss being completely taken care of (even though my parents are still my biggest fans and most reliable support system!) I miss not needing to work or pay bills or stress about anything more than getting an A on my next test.
But that’s life–we can’t stay small forever. (Unless you’re one of those very fortunate and probably hated people who just doesn’t gain weight no matter how many twinkies are shoved down your throat…but that’s not the point…)
The point is, we all have to grow up. We all have to take on bigger responsibilities. We all have to struggle to find our place in this crazy world.
And sometimes I struggle with being a “grown up” versus a “groan up.”
The harder life is, the easier complaining is. I pull the comforter over my messy sheets, yet I keep pointing out the bumps under the covers to those around me, complaining and groaning about things that almost everyone has to go through at one point or another.
I know I shouldn’t complain so much. I know what happened to the Israelites in Numbers 11 when they complained against God, and I know that Philippians 2:14 says,
“Do all things without grumbling or questioning”
But it’s hard. How does one get past such a bad habit?
I guess it’s kind of like developing the habit of making your bed. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it–I’m going to get back in it at the end of the day anyway–but I know it needs to be done (or at least that’s what my mom always told me).
I can do a halfhearted job and just throw the comforter over the mess–say I won’t complain but give up when the going gets tough–or I can pull it all to the foot of my bed, straighten things out, and go layer by layer until all of the sheets are smooth and straight–make an effort and follow through.